This time is different

Well, he went to Hong Kong for job, and its for 2 months. He asked me to go with him. I have applied leave, just waiting for him to buy the air ticket.

Lotsa things happened since last time, well, As i have said March 2007, is my due for everything. Even promising myself to break off with him since then.
Welll, we actually went to Bali and we had a great fight. & of course, things happen this way because, i have been holding to my grudge for too long. & he has forgotten the need to have our own time to talk. You know, those "our" talk "our" time. Every weekend , was merely about hanging out with his friends, well, i was with them too. Which actually, i honestly dont feel too good about it. Holding my grudge still. Well, since qi gong, since my work,since everything... i kinda has been keeping all this to throw at him once and for all. Making his life miserable and the Bali trip miserable for all and how he has treated me. But, after the whole hoo haa of argument and discussion back in Bali, with A & A. It really is a break through for me to bring out all his bad points to him at his face! Which he felt it like a horrible bomb, & admit it like nobody business. He doesn't realised, what is the mistake of being late, and breaking promises. A&A has actually help me to realise my mistake as well.
No.1: Trying not to have disagreement is actually not a good thing also.
No.2: Trying to avoid talking because scared of argument is also not right.
No.3: Guide and know what it needs to be done.

His Mistake:
No.1: Has ignore me when i needed him the most
No.2:Being late and making me embarassed
No.3:Planning is very important, he should be doing it.

Upon all these, I really appreciate the door that they have actually opened up for me. I have been too shallow. At least, I have somone to talk to & to complain to..I felt like crying... Unlike that stupid E's wife, which totally a bitch. Now, i know why she could fxxx one person after another in her past.. She is badly inconsiderate and spoilt!

When were at Bali, he was in a low mood. Not having my cuddling him of course.. and also have fun and spend precious time with him. & I had my time too. I push away his hand. i push away everything...He felt it hurt.. & so was I at that time, my heart just feel that he is not the one. I can't stand him at alL!!!. which the Truth that happen is... he was right, the wound that i had is still there. & because things has happen & it doesn't feels right, I ended up going against almost everything! I become rebellious.. and hatred towards things.

After we came back, at the air port, He wanna hld my hand, but i feel frustrasted, mentally and emotionally tired. As usual, i push away. That night, he still sends me a very sweet sms. I'm trully touched, but my heart was like a stone, I actually break down tired mentally and emotionally. I can't just do things well & right! well, some books just said.. how can we always wanna talk the right way, do the right things, and just got the mood to do it that way. What if it just at that moment, it just break off the negative effects of emotional stresss and fatigueness.

This really happens to me..... sad to say.. Im weak afterall.

The 1st week, was like a rest week and a total disaster, rebelious week..
I was just sleeping, ..but still hoping there's a light somewhere.
I was thiking if i can't stand him for 10 min, how can i stand him for 10 years!..

Even being away from him, that first 3 days, was like a relief for me...
But when he has left, a lot of things changed and happened. To my realisation, I was quite dependent & there's flaws in the relationship. Something is handle wrongly..i started to think a lot..Starting to break down into tears... and heart broken..

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do things.. My tears just flows down like water... in office, in the car,at home. When mum is at home, i barely talk to her, or eat her food. I always went downstaris to take a walk, hope to feel better, hope to see him downstairs, when i'm at the yaoyao.

Whatever message that he sent me or sms me, is just like a piece of shit to me that time. i told him , do you think at this time, this relationship can be save??! i tried to find ways to lift myself up. I tried to write down things, why he is useless, what i need to do for myself. I tried to recall.. everything that happen. & thinking deep and long. Bought alot of books, spending like hundreds on relationship books. I read & read & read... for the 2 weeks. I went from not eating, not talking to sick cat. I was sick...cough badly..which i fely really happy to be sick..at least I have a reason not to live to this stage here. But then, as time pass by, i realise my heart becoming weaker, then i started to practice qi gong. I back off from all my family members. I only wanna go back to Segamat. I miss him so badly. That i drove to his house, and watched his car for half and hour. & go to temply every week, to pray and ask if our relationship will work if i just give him another chance.
First week, it said, not compatible, leave the relationship. I was stunt , dunno to be happy with my decision or cry badly that its goign to end.work as usual..How can I work if all of them are his friends.. Its so difficult for me to get up.
2nd week, it said, i'm into drinks , & alchohols to forget my past. if there's fate, we will be together again. Its not good , to go into it right now..

Well,, up to a certain point, I really don't know what is fate. I was thinking i miss him... & need him. I love him. Up to one day, i realise that I can do things differently, i had the wrong steps, & it was horrible. Hope to get things right again.and see how this goes...

We went for BBQ then clubbing that night. Things happen like never before. Love is in the air..
Crazy....night..unbelieveable night.. speechless.. He asked me not to speak.. Let us work out this together again.. dun put pressure into this.. ya

Eventually, we started to talk things out, he admit that we haven't got our own time for some time. and I admit that when i was mentally tired, i really can't be force... I need him to calm me down. He understood that now... & I'm not that lenient on things anymore. & eventually, stop discussing my relationship with my sisters, because i think that i'm in this, nobody will understand better than me. Just wanna reassure tthem, that im fine... of course, mum and sis saw me broke down..so badly.. which is a totally mess. I hope things will get better for everyone. Love everyone... Night.

He is in Hong Kong now, I felt the feeling that he had. I understand how he misses me...now..

Going away soon..

Im going away soon...

Im a bit sad, Im happy and sad at the same time. Im going away for a free trip but for 2 weeks or a month. But im sad to leave my family and my lovely bf. They are sending me off to airport tomorrow, all of them, Im so "Gan tong". They said they love me.. & i never leave them for so long, so they have to support me and don't let ppl bully me. I love them too. I love him too. Recently, being away from him, make me loves him more. But at the same time, i need time to evaluate him too. Hmm..I can't accept him being with his friends all the time, but he told me the reasons yesterday, i can accept only half of it. The other half, is spending time with friends also means spending money. But what the hack, im not here right now, and what he will be doing at home other than playing games... so, perhaps, could this change, when He got a house already? Im still studying.

Sorry...

Yesterday was the biggest argument i ever had.

Breakfast
Didn't talk
Didn't inform him anything, merely talked
He stormed off
Don't accept his appology
Talking in the car, argument
Stopped at LRT, walked down from the car
Came back again
Ask, what do i Want ?
I argue and said...
Reached Puchong, cried badly in the car
I felt nothing coz "very Ba" and dissapointed
Then, went back to his house, talked over it and he cried again.
Ask me to give him another chance
No
Explain to me why?

Lie no 1. : Friends ask to play Mah jong, But not playing, wathing Tv with some of them.
Explain : Went there to join them though tired but at least nearer
Lie no 2. : Eating at 5pm, and movie and night, Actually, Movie at 5pm, eating at 8pm.
Explain: He doesn't know the real plan till they have reach
Lie no 3. : Going back to sleep, too tired. Ask me to sleep, But went to friends house
Explain : He is sorry, he lied
Lie no 4. : Will come to me house and stay overnight, but actually went to friends house to play Mahjong
Explain : He is sorry he lied, coz he don't want me to get angry if he told me he went to his friends house
Lie no 5. : Miss me so much, but didn't come and see me tonight, go to friends house and play
Explain : He really miss me a lot, but since its so late already, might as well come early the next morning to see me
Lie no 6. : Told me 5 times he is sleeping
Explain : Its a lie
Lie no 7. : Scared i ll be mad, could be excepteable, but pls dont tell me that you really mis me that much next time, if ur going to friends house to play mah jong
Explain : Really miss me very much,
Lie no 8. : Said I m oversea, so he got nothing to do sometimes, play games lo..
Explain : What to do...nothing to do at home, no tv
Lie no 9. :Im actually a Priority No 2. compare to friends, haven't seen him for nearly 1 month, althought seen him like 3 times for tis month.
Explain : I am always his Priority No 1. Im his motivator, no one can compare. But he went to his friends house most of the time, because they are lke his brothers as he doesn't have anyone to talk to. He said he need my love to support him. And his friends's advise and help him with his work and family problem, coz sometimes I can't understand his work. He doesn't want to talk to me about it, coz i always think its not really that hard, and it can be solve. But he came to me for emotion support.

I said:
1. I don't care if you didn't support me in financial, but at least support me when I needed you.
But you went to P and said already arrange earlier, can't reject, *ok, i accept due to their work schedule*
2. I don't need a husband like you, why is your title is Mr Late? as in expected.. If my son need you to fetch, but daddy is late. I will be sad. Or if my son need his dad to attend his birthday party, because of some appointments with friends, you can't come, i don't want you to dissapoint my child.
3. i don't want to be in the status of being "ba" or yeah, he is like that. Why do I need to experience jsut like what your family is going through with you, they are Ba.. with your attitude. I really pity them, but sorry I don't want to be "ba" with my husband. Statement , Mr XXX is a great guy. Not Mr XXX is late as usual.
4. I don't mind about your financial state right now, but at least pls organized yourself more..If you are looking for someone that can help you to support your family, I am not the one.. I have my family to support too.
5. If you are looking for some one that doesn't mind you going out all the time, PLS go and look for a clubbing girl, not me. EvenI got married to you, if these things happen, I wont' accept it at all, I will run away from you forever.
6. I am not suitable for you, Im not the right kind of girl for you. And to be honest, you are not the right husband for me too.
7. If you are really in a stress situation, I have told him to take it step by step, and no one can achieve the mountain in a day.
8. Very dissapointed, no feeling
9. The house haven't repair yet, why..... He said he will move soon. Just need some time

Conclusion:
Give him time till March 2007 to clear his debts and settle his house problem. If these things not solve, means he didn't organize his things properly, and still keep on being like that. It will be over for us. I hope god will show me his way...

Cheated

Today, Aug 25th, he cheated me again..
I have just came back from a long trip, he came and fetched me from perhentian Serdang, of course i'm very very happy that he is on time, I met him and surprised him, its a wonderful feeling. Been waiting for so long to meet him, was feeling so excited.

Went to lunch with him, with Eu & Le, had lunch at SS2, after that, he fetched me home. Promised that he will be coming tonight, but he didn't. He went out at 4.30pm, coz his friends called him to go for a gathering, then my family and I went for a buffet dinner at 7pm. We finished our dinner at 10pm, reached hom at 11pm, but i called him, ask if he is coming, he said no, he is very tired, need to go back home to rest. So, at 12.15am, I gave him a call again, asked if he was home, he said yes, he said very sleepy, asked me why.. i said no, just want to know if u have reached home. I heard that there's some backgroun noises, I asked him who is it ? so noisy..He said he don't know, just some friends. Ok then..we hung up the phone and he slept. Then, I had a conversation with S3 about some relationship problem, she told me about the things happening with S2, well, I just listened, and wonder could it be that bad, not trusting a guy, and girls having the rights to know where he is all the time..Well, we both know well about my current relationship. Thus, i gave a call to P again at 12.30, checked if he is at home, well he isnt. So, I called him, still the same, sleeping, but voice doesn't sound like sleeping, sounds like he haven't sleep pretending to be sleeping. I asked him 4 times, where he is , finally he said, he is at their house, playing Mahjong. I became so dissapointed, knowing that, and well, its a good thing that I know, an early indication, I don't wish to cont being like this..
Lie no 1. : Friends ask to play Mah jong, But not playing, wathing Tv with some of them.
Lie no 2. : Eating at 5pm, and movie and night, Actually, Movie at 5pm, eating at 8pm.
Lie no 3. : Going back to sleep, too tired. Ask me to sleep, But went to friends house
Lie no 4. : Will come to me house and stay overnight, but actually went to friends house to play Mahjong
Lie no 5. : Miss me so much, but didn't come and see me tonight, go to friends house and play
Lie no 6. : Told me 5 times he is sleeping
Lie no 7. : Scared i ll be mad, could be excepteable, but pls dont tell me that you really mis me that much next time, if ur going to friends house to play mah jong
Lie no 8. : Said I m oversea, so he got nothing to do sometimes, play games lo..
Lie no 9. :Im actually a Priority No 2. compare to friends, haven't seen him for nearly 1 month, althought seen him like 3 times for tis month.

Conclusion: I told him , since like this, if i get married to you, if this kind of thing happen again, I will run away from you forever. Im so dissapointed knowing all this, and you rather tell me lies than telling me the truth. If im your priority no.1, what do you mean you are sleepy and going to your friends house to play mahjong. Do that make sense? I can't see it.......Idiot, Im going to scold you one day and throw you with things, better wait, i will get myself prepare.

qg practitioners

Recently, I have just discover the magic of znqg.
Its a wonderful thing, learn a lot, perhaps, I should really put it aside to all the things that's really happening outside the world.
Feeling rather disturb right now, i know I shouldn't. But it does..only at the age of **, so?
What should I do..?

Why is she mixing up my feelings at this moment, what is she trying to do? Is she trying to harm me and force me to dead end and let me die.. Why can't she know someone need a space for silence, Why can't she understand? Is she Idiot? Is she stupid? Why is she always thinking she is right all the time? Why she thinks that Im rude to her? Why can't I finished my sentence? Why is it telling the truth to her is rude? Why ? Why she said I better follow them? Why is she hurting me this way? She is too much, too rude herself to force ppl to do what she think is right? What is she doing? Why she said she should just let me die with him... Why she can't let me think and evaluate and then come out with a summary for her to see what she say? Why is she so pushy? Why she can't think that I haven't figure out, and force me to listen to her thoughts, Why not let me think then let her know and analyse my thoughts? hmm..difficult. She said you go and follow him, don't listen to her, go and listen to him..Why she said like that? How can she said such words? why? She said I didnt think of her, well, she didn't think of me 2, so. what do expect a person to do ? Said, IM ANGRY, i have just been cheated! and burst out and cry or break up immediately? Of course, based on what i ve just learn recently, i d like to take the things cool, but she doesnt allow, weird. I thik she is having a mid age disease, "Always think that they are right when they haven't get married" She said im hurting their feelings, Rediculous! I have been calling them nearly everyday, how about my phone bill, said I didn't let them know what im thinking, STUPID! because i said, im ok, im not fan, im trying not to think about it, and think what should i do..but she kept on and on, asking are u fan are u fan ah? The more she is asking of course im FAN la. i explained, im trying not to be fan, but she is just 2 much, she said because she see im fan, so want to know what happeN? i said im trying not to be fan, and ur still asking, of course make me fan la, soem more so pushy. I just need some time, to do my things, thats all. I think perhaps i just don't tell her, no, i don't think so, i should tell her, and let her know my thoughts, she can't expect things to happen her way..Its not that I didn't tell her, she knows that im telling her, but pls! let me compile my thoughts and story and evaluation...then u give me your comment! Stupid.

gq taught me how to act the other way round when things happen, thats the success of it, coz, its not only testing on ppl's patient and health, it also test ppl on things, and believe that they can do it. confidence. I gain much knowledge about gq, and think i ll benefit from it v well. I have lotsa things to say about gq, but i think, i will talk about it tomorrow,....

Things start to fall into place...

*Well, today, the 2nd day, things just starting to fall into place itself.. so naturally, perhaps he have give it a thought. :) so, I'm very happy* We went for nice food at Setapak, Tin Tin. They have good Yin Yang and nice Curry Pork Rice. Somehow, I'm still not confident to get marry yet. I have this little thought of having a nice happy family, where I have a nice landed house, 2 cars, a Car for my future hubby and the other car for me, having a german shepard dog & a little puppy toy dog, have a maid, go travel twice a year to oversea, 2 times on local trip, once a week go out for dinner, once a week go out for grocerries, once a week go for a family outing, Have 4 children *mind.. Am i greedy or what? ! Can take care ah? then married young loh, but where is my future hubby?* Can go for KFC once a while, hehe, go for buffet & Japanese food once in 3 months, Have time to go to gym *do my fav Yoga, gym & sweat a lot, Be a pretty wife for him*, have time to think of creative ideas to flirt with him or buy gifts for him, or things to talk to him. Make him a happy for having this wife, appreciate him and having him to love me and care for me like I always wanted to be. Having a moderate lifestye, hmm..i guess all this will take me with the earning of..more than 10 k a month yea... Work hard..Work hard.

How to mend a relationship? or when withdrawal or distant started to happen on me or on him?

The situation that I'm facing currently, not willing to talk about money or future plan, silent when stress, or coming back from work. Choose to ignore me on question and answers on work, choose to ignore the problems that's arise between us or me.... withdraw from me. I dun feel like seeing him dissapointed and frust because feel he is stupidhe get scolded from me a0ll the time, but why he lie, coz he is scared that i ll scold him? so, listen to him? and just give comment?Rather than stopping him from doing the things that I think is not right or wise? Saying things like, if i were u, i wouldn't do that. Don't get angry easily. Be more confident with urself. Approach back the situation in a calm way, wait for him to get ready to come back to me. Wait for him to gain back his confidence with me, I like if he organized better and know more on what he is doing, Me, stop complaining but give comments more, give face, respect him, so that he would respect me back, Saying things or pointing out that Im doing this so that, I have chance or expect to accept it back from him on the total respect. he said I should stop work rather that he think is better to stop work, he felt useless for not being able to give me any help or booost of security. How to help in this situation...told him i could accept the truth if we work this out together, I need his help and honesty, and alertness rather than keeping me in a distant. but do working things out better works for him? It does't. So, I have to stop being the Ms. fix-It-All, it helps when we enjoy our relationship, live a life with him. So, what if I'm willing to give in and enjoy my life with him, make use of what we have currently and live and enjoy our relationship, I can get feedback and response back from him by saying things like im so sad, i don't know what to do...when is the good time...?

Tears

Today, I cried.. really hard to keep the feeling from her, on how sad & dissapointed my heart is. I have swore to myself that I would never let the guy that say He loves me make me cry. But somehow, he hurts me indirectly. Hard to explain, hard to describe.. Could it be we are not compatible? They have advised me to look out for others when I'm young, but don't give up on nurturing him into the man you want and don't waste your 2 years relationship with him. He is not bad, he is not nasty, but he lie & not organized? Is he not mature? There's so much I can weight on...He don't lie to me about girls, but he lies to me about things that he had make mistake on or things that he knew will get into trouble with me, or things to protect himself? Could I say he loves himself more than he loves me? We can see alot of things from different point of view. I was told his act was selfish.
Am I being bullied indirectly? What makes my tears flowing down when I'm typing this....
what....why? Am I being emotional because my PMS coming? I don't think so, I have been facing this problems since few months ago. This is the first time i cried because of him. My heart sunk..
I need to find someone that's more mature.

1. Medcine- din take care of me (maybe still young,don't how to do, go and tell mum that i need the vitamins for my sickness, infact he promisse my mum that he would buy for us, its FOC, but he didn't do it at all)
2. Break promises(always say something he think of, but can't do in short period perhaps never) 3. Never on time (late to see friends, late for dinner, late for dating)
4. Lie (to protect himself, and make himself sounds better)
5. Not organized (interms of life & money)
6. Spendthrift (Could buy a HOnday city but accidents happen 3 times within 8 months, always go out with friends)
7. Communication problem (we are having this communication problem, coz he never have time, or else he will end up coming to see me with his red eyes)
8. Don't like sms or phone (Told me that as general, most of his guys friends don't like to sms or talk to phone on long term but would prefer seeing each other more than talking on phone)
9. Money problem (spend without thinking)
10. No action taken (on life crisis, or lame management of life)
11. Drive carelessly (Hobbies-accidents, and drive carelessly and spoilt the engine)
12. Doesn't know how to take care of me (in terms of food or knowing human's body or even girl's problems, no medication ever given to me)

i HATE U I HATE U I HATE U

Perhaps im not looking into a bf, im looking for husband. 32 years old husband.
First of all, I need to address all this to him, Giving him 2 second chance, my due date is March 2007. That would be 3 years old.
Second, I need to get out more with more guys.

Cut my hand

I accidentally cut my hand today, its a small cut, but deep. Imagine a Half Cm only but deep half cm cut on ur hand. How do you feel? oh... of course, i was shouting *Horrifying!!* for help. "Arggh, I cut myself" My sister jalan lengang lengok *as-in-how-bad-could-that-be-walking, killing me in pain* from the couch watching her Astro series came over & see me. Fang song ur hand, Fang Song, dun be so stiff, wah Lau, i dunno how to tell her that its painful but it feels better doing like that [being stiff], coz if i move my fingers fang song, the wound open and bleed non stop. but anyway, she saw the fleshy red meat...Wonder if any of my main blood vessels is cut..well, we just keep calm and stop the bleeding, soon, we just get and handyplast and stick it on. Wonder how many days will it take to recover... Arghh..i want to cry, I can't do anything or cook anything these few days. hmm.. Imagine holding the tooth paste with one hand and trying to squeeze it out with one hand, then use the only one hand to get ur tooth brush and sapu the whole thing out. In situation like this, I have a sudden respect for the handicapped ppl.